Spilling the T, Gender Transition, Beyond the Physical

by James Bennett, River Grove Books, 2024

James wasn’t always “James.”  From his initial struggle as a woman attracted to women to the realization that he was born in the wrong body and was truly transgender, he walked a long, arduous path to find peace with his identity.  His personal journey has revealed to him the importance of strong support systems, being true to yourself, and educating those that may not understand. 

In this honest and moving memoir, James records a captivating account of the many aspects of pain, heartache, judgement, and uncertainty that transgender individuals like himself experience daily.  Through personal testimonies of his transition from female to male, James highlights the aspects of a trans identity that exists outside of “The Surgery.”  At times comical, sad, frustrating, and euphoric, his story explores the nuanced ways that changing gender affects relationships, social interactions, and one’s connection to oneself.

Here are a few examples of the many insights James shares:

• AFTER TOP SURGERY AND TESTOSTERONE, JAMES IS HAPPY TO FINALLY PASS AS A MAN, BUT UNFORUNATELY, HE IS OFTEN PERCEIVED AS A “GAY MAN”, BOTH IN THE STRAIGHT WORLD AND IN QUEER SPACES. James writes, “I had spent twenty-five years in the wrong body, ten of those defaulting to an identity of lesbian that I didn’t relate to, and now I was going to spend the rest of my life in the right body while still being misread?  Seriously?  Being read as gay wasn’t a bad thing, I just wasn’t gay.    I can’t do this forever, began to play on repeat over and over in my head for the second time in my life.
• UNIQUE CHALLENGES AFTER MOVING TO A NEW CITY: James writes, “I didn’t have an established queer community to socialize with, and the outside world presented many unique challenges I wasn’t sure how to navigate.  I could not figure out how to connect with women as a man, and their once overt attraction to me was nowhere to be found.  With the physical changes of my transition, I had essentially transformed from a sexy “lesbian” to a 5’5”, run-of-the-mill dude that women seemingly couldn’t care less about.  To make matters worse, I suddenly felt like a threat to women in a way I never had before.  In my male body, it was no longer acceptable for me to smile or say hello to women and their children.  I had to be sure not to stand too close to women in public and leave enough distance when I walked behind them at night.
• RESTROOMS: James writes, “When I used the restroom, I tried desperately to remember the male codes of conduct I had learned.  1) Eye contact is NEVER allowed, 2) pass other men as if they don’t exist, and 3) don’t even thing about making conversation.  That is a huge no-no.  The basic expectation is to get in, get out, and not look at anyone in the process – a stark contrast to the social etiquette in women’s restrooms.  Women are allowed to chat, pass toilet paper under the stalls, and complement each other’s outfits.  I couldn’t make sense of this new, seemingly homophobic space I was expected to exist in with ease.

Seeing a need to discuss the transgender experience beyond the focal point of physical transition, James vulnerably crafts a history of his own life and transition and its impact on those around him.  Especially insightful are “prompts” that James has family, friends and coworkers respond to at various points in this memoir.  They answer these questions:  How did you perceive my identity before I transitioned?  How do you think hormones affected me?  Are there any non-physical differences between me and cisgender men that you’ve noticed?   How did you perceive my identity when we first met?

This intimate and moving story, which includes many contributions by loving and supportive friends and family, will both educate friends and allies of the transgender community, and will resonate with those who have shared similar experiences when it comes to identity.

James Bennett is a thirty-five-year-old trans man from Australia, currently living in San Diego, California.  He works in the medical device industry and is happily married with a son, a grumpy old corgi, and someday soon, hopefully another baby (fingers crossed).  He loves cycling, traveling, and writing.  James felt the world needed this book as he grew tired of people asking about his genitals, yet he writes that he is still not convinced that they don’t know why they shouldn’t be asking.  James can be found on Instagram (@mr.jamesbennett).

This book review was submitted by Stand with Trans advocate
Barb Shumer, who is a past board member and
retired public librarian.